Bouffe Exclusive: My Headtilt Story

BOUFFE REVEALS THE TRUTH BEHIND HIS HEADTILT ORDEAL – “My world was turned upside down overnight. I owe everything to kale”

His publicist sweeps into the room in an undisclosed location enveloped in a cloud of Eau de Bouffe aftershave, and apologises for keeping us waiting for over three hours. Picking off small flecks of fluff – Bouffe must surely nearby – he mutters something about Russian convoys into the Ukraine and a bad quality Skype connection with Camp David.

He proceeds to rattle off a list of topics which will end the interview prematurely: Sarkozy, his failed relationship with Delores, carpets and Dr Who. And no, there are no plans to open a chain of poo tray bars as has been suggested in a certain tabloid, so let’s not waste our time asking him about that one either.

We are ushered through a door to meet the resplendent French Lop himself, graciously striking pose after pose while our photographer fusses over him.

Hello Bouffe, you look wonderful

Merci.

What is your secret to looking so healthy and well?

Kale. And a large staff to wait on me 24/7. I’m still training them, though. They still have some way to go.

Tell us how you got headtilt

It wasn’t the Russians, which some media outlets have suggested. I didn’t dump Putin until several months after I acquired my headtilt.

So what did happen then?

I woke up one night not long after surgery to find gravity had changed.

In fact, it kept changing all the time, so I had to get clever and pin it down and keep it there. Spent the night doing Kung Fu moves non-stop.

The only thing was that the battle was so fierce it kept my waitress awake. She came and held me, we had a good old cuddle for several hours. It was nice, even though I was quite busy at the time.

I’ll always make time for a cuddle.

So what made it stop?

Well, it was exhausting and all that, but eventually I did subjugate gravity and physics to my iron will and everything returned to normal after about two days.

What did your waitstaff do while all this was going on?

Eh bien, they insisted on taking me to the vet, all while I was still fighting gravity.

The vet was most upset. He’d only just taken my stitches out of my ear the week before, so he was not keen on me doing superhero sports already.

Botch job

The vet diagnosed headtilt.

Well, oui, he did, but I prefer to see it as a gravity malfunction myself. I do think my head is slightly turned to one side, though.

[pauses briefly, looking pensive]

Veterinary medicine is still catching up with me. I have papers pending for publication in Physical Chemistry and Chemical Physics and one in Proteins: Structure, Function and Bioinformatics which are going to revolutionise science.

What happened next?

It was pretty knackering, to be honest. Slept a lot.

Ate a lot of kale. Weed in my bed – I am not ashamed of sharing that with you.

BouffeWetBed

It’s one of the lesser known facts about superheroes, most of us are bed-wetters. It happens when we let go after an epic battle.

As far as I know, only Robocop doesn’t wet his bed because he doesn’t sleep. Arnold [Schwarzenegger – ed.] and Jean-Claude [van Damme – ed.] have it bad. I think that’s why their careers have gone down the pan.

[Bouffe chuckles at his own pun]

What helped the most when things were really bad?

Kale. My soft bed, so I could fall about and not get hurt. Brekkers. Unlimited treats. Fresh grass and dandelions. Cuddles from my waiter and waitress. Admittedly, I probably owe my vet thanks, too.

Voilà, I’ve said it!

So what have you been up to recently?

It has been a busy summer. Apart from my research, advising world leaders and consultancy, I’ve had to supervise the garden furniture.

It’s been a good year, though. The 2014 kale harvest will go down in history as an epic one.

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