Haas, Bunstructioneer extraordinaire best known for his tunnelling prowess and astute political commentary, died suddenly at the age of 11 earlier this month.
As a youngster, Haas fell in with the wrong crowd in Banbury, Oxfordshire, a national hotspot for lagomorph delinquency with worryingly high reoffending rates that continue to spiral out of control under the watchful eye of local Conservative MP, Victoria Prentis. As he faced another lengthy spell in youth detention, two hooms who would become his his waiter and waitress stepped in and put a life changing question to him:
Whosahandsomeboy? Eh? Eh? Aww.
Easily swayed by flattery in his younger years, Haas decided a change of scenery would be welcome, decided to hire his new staff on the spot and move to Oxford. Here he met Katrijn, who was then Head of Department at Oxford University’s not-so-famous-yet Experimental School of Bunstructivist-Developmental Psychiatry for the Politically Preposterous, Democratically Deluded and Celebritially Challenged.
Initially, Katrijn had no time for him or romance while her research and hapless clients kept her busy, and Haas had to make do with being entertained mostly by his 25/7 staff.
It wasn’t long before Katrijn fell for his cocky cheek and Cornish pirate heritage and soon the pair became inseparable. Next to his photogenic celebun wife, Haas usually preferred to keep a low profile.
Haas’ love of bunstruction is well documented. He enjoyed digging in the snow
as well as in more traditional substrates
Soon Haas found fame among fellow archaeologists when he uncovered the hitherto mythical Oxford Grail during excavations. He briefly eclipsed Katrijn’s international profile as an expert commentator while he gave interviews to the international press and received visiting professors to discuss the find.
His career in archaeology was short lived. Haas was forced to abandon further excavations when his staff cashed in on the media interest and sold off the land, which promised to yield further finds. They argued that complaints from neighbours about the press mob camped outside necessitated a move to a remote north Oxfordshire location, but Haas was sceptical. He employed a lawyer to ensure that the profits went entirely towards decent accommodation for him and his adored wife while putting his staff in a shabby fixer upper that would keep them busy enough to stop them from meddling with his affairs.
The tactic worked. Service levels went up and Haas’ satisfaction with his staff increased.
On occasion he would allow a photo shoot in his man cave to reward them for good behaviour.
Although he left most of the political commentating to Katrijn, he did make some oft-quoted astute observations. While being interviewed for The Guardian in 2015, bilingual Haas had only one word for Boris Johnson:
By 2016 he had reviewed his view of Johnson thus:
Look, da man ‘as no ahdeas of ‘is own, orrite? ‘e is no’ ‘armless or anyfink. Da bumbling’ abaht is mean’ ter deflec’ from ‘is persisten’ incomper’ence. ‘e’s an attenshiun seeker yeah, ‘e needs somfink ter put ‘im in da spo’li’e an’ he’s dercided Brexi’ is da vehicle is all.
‘e doesn” even berlieve ‘is own shit when ‘e talks. ’nuff said.
In early 2018 he had the following for Johnson:
A noisy bunch o’ outter control rogue molecules vaguely resserembling an ‘oomin shape
When in early 2018 his waiter kept being abducted, first by American and shortly after his release by Japanese scientists, Haas decided to flex his thug muscle and threaten to send the boys round if they wouldn’t release his waiter.
The waiter was returned unharmed to the relief of his waitress and to a lesser degree, Katrijn.
By spring 2018, 11-year-old Haas was showing few signs of slowing down. His sudden illness and departure were entirely in keeping with Haas’ personal motto:
Ahm ‘aas an’ Ah says no.
2007 – 2nd May 2018
Sayer of No!
Beloved husbun of Professor Katrijn
Patient trainer of his waiter and waitress
Lagomorph Remoaner and anti-Brexit campaigner