Dr Katrijn PhD, Professor of Bunstructive-Developmental Psychiatry, political commentator, therapist to the democratically deluded and politically preposterous, died in April. Of the many, many things that riled her during her long life, she was most miffed about that. She was 12.
Though fiercely protective of professional confidentiality, Dr Katrijn was widely known to have treated four consecutive UK Prime Ministers as well as world ‘leaders’ including Vladimir, Donald, Silvio and lately, Jair. She famously gave up on Jacinda, quoting that ‘the woman just wants to hug the world better; nothing I can do to improve on that’.
In late 2008, Katrijn decided to adopt new staff in an effort to educate the intellectually disadvantaged. That these efforts were to be largely in vain did not deter her even when various test results came back: her new waitress’s IQ required the famous test to be recalibrated to allow for negative scores to be recorded for the first time in human history.
Soon after finishing her double PhD at Oxford and Stanford Universities (Forensic Psychiatry and Ultrafast Theoretical Plasma Physics), Katrijn decided to take on a personal challenge by dating Haas. Soon the disarmingly affectionate geezerbun proved his worth and moved in permanently to take care of Katrijn’s high maintenance mane.
They shared a love of kale and science, Haas being an accomplished structural bungineer. Many a night was spent cosily tucked up in the haybox with a good book.
Despite some of Haas’s less appealing habits, such as an insistence on draping himself over her back or using her as a pillow, it was a long and happy marriage that lasted until Haas’s untimely death in early 2018.
Not wanting to be outdone by Haas’s obvious snorgle appeal, Katrijn did have her own way of ensuring she did not have to share the limelight too much with her clever bungineer husband.
In fact, Katrijn’s fluffy exterior was often and easily mistaken for her general attitude to others.
During an unscheduled storm in May 2014 she famously fired Bob the Weather God for freestyling while she was busy enjoying a quiet afternoon in the grass. Katrijn made the storm go away, but Bob’s career never recovered.
Katrijn didn’t suffer fools gladly, no matter who they were or what position they might occupy in public health. She did not hesitate to charge a top rate based on outsourced rates government agreed with the likes of Virgin Care while treating Theresa May for Persistent Delusional Disorder.
When May protested having to fork out £425 +VAT per minute Katrijn suggested selling her home to fund her treatment, like the much-derided Dementia Tax May was touting at the time.
Katrijn had few issues dealing with other forms of organised crime either: In February 2018 waiter was delivered back home by some very contrite looking yakuza after a few well-timed comments in the media.
As it turned out, Dr Katrijn was owed a few favours here and there. And, as it turned out, even the most hardened of criminals had just one burning question they could not resist asking:
In her later years and indeed up to her very last days, Katrijn continued to comment on current affairs and treating the worst cases among politicians while also taking time to enjoy the sunshine.
True to her trailblazing self, Katrijn was the first recorded lagomorph victim of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Katrijn is survived by her useless waitress, who probably passed the virus on by insisting on snorgling during lockdown, and her distraught waiter.