Hey babe, what brings you to my garden, hm?
First of all, I refer to my colleague, Haas.
Second, you will address my waitress as ‘Madame’.
Dubya’s library
Dubya ‘as opened ‘is priva’e library.
All ‘e needs now is sum readin’ specs Ah finks
Holiday, celebun style
Tia. Flops.
Hm? MitziBitzi…?
I think I see one.
See what?
A pap. Behind the fence. Telelens. Just stepped on one of Haas’s perimeter defenses.
Snarf! Even the Bunnington Post News Room can be infiltrated it seems…
Sorry
Waitress: What do you say?
Bouffe: I am very sorry.
Waitress: about…?
Bouffe: I am very sorry about the broken tea light.
Waitress: and the tea light is broken because…?
Bouffe: The tea light is broken because it fell on the floor
Waitress: How did the tea light fall on the floor?
Bouffe: because I jumped up on the coffee table when I thought you weren’t looking and then on to the stereo because I thought you couldn’t see me and then you came in and I was quickly going to jump off before you saw me and it was really slippery so all the tea lights fell on the floor and now one is broken and I did it and I am very sorry I broke the tea light!
Waitress: and what else happened?
Bouffe: I woke the hamster with the racket I made…
I’m really sorry and I will never do it again!
Marty throws a (podiatry) party
Bouffe my man, yo yo yo! Roll on by my crib homes, I got da cure man, I got da cure!
[?]
Marty? Marty my friend? How pleasurable to see you! Pleasant, I meant.
Are you well? The slang… It’s not, how do I say, how I know you…
Oooh Bouffe, do you think it’s too much? I’m not sure about it either, but I thought I’d give it a try…
I heard it in an Alabama 3 song you know. ‘The cure, I’ve got the cure’. I thought it would be a good promotional vehicle for my podiatry practice.
You do not think it’s not actually about ingrown toenails then?
Boo hiss at your waitress. Look at the state of those talons! Out-ra-ge-ous, what is she thinking?
Come here, let me sort you out you poor thing. You must be uncomfortable, clicking like a girl when you binky!
Paas Haas*
Snarf
Haas!
You know it’s Easter when the daffodils are a-twitching with paps trying to get snaps of our first spring frolicks in the grass.
And always when I’m moulting, my trousers are at their tattiest and my mane is in knots!
Hope they will Photoshop that poo in the corner of my mouth… Oops.
* Easter Bunny in Holland
Microlamb, the intrepid reporter
Our international campaign to bring human waiting staff up to a globally recognised standard has received a boost with the arrival of Microlamb this week.
Microlamb, born 24 Marc 2013
Microlamb deployed the very useful tactic of being an Invisible Twin and being born unexpectedly – the ultimate mystery shopping device.
Barely had she downed her first bottle of milk, or she dedicated herself to her first inspection: the Aga.
Microlamb testing the Aga
Her very small size – at birth, four Microlambs would have made one Bouffe in terms of weight- means she fits into spaces which are out of reach for most investigators.
Very soon Microlamb also started educating her waiter, farmer Gareth.
Although waiting staff in our experience tend to be slow learners and rather under-resourced in the intelligence department, Microlamb’s research shows not all is lost yet: farmer Gareth responds well to training, and has not once missed a bottle feed for example.
Microlamb and farmer Gareth in a training session. Image credit: Yorkpress
She even picks her own bedtime story before bed.
Microlamb achieved in four days what we can only dream of after four years! Well done Microlamb, and keep up the good work.
Flopsy: My Conclave
Lagomorph Cardinal Flopsy reveals all that went on behind the closed doors of the papal conclave
11 Feb
Aaargh. Who moved my parsnip?
11 Feb [later]
Oh.
12 Feb
I cannot find my cardinal’s hat? Where is my cardinal’s hat. Tia. TIA! What do you know about my cardinal’s hat missing?
Oh. So not good. No, Tia, cardinals do not wear ‘lacy’ hats! I’ll have one without holes please. Go sort it, quickly, I have a job interview
20 Feb
Just realised the thing about popes and wives. So not good
20 Feb [later]
Jeremy [Irons, of Borgia fame - Ed.] says not to worry about the wives thing. He had loads of fun at the Vatican. It’s all good
Calm down Mitzi, you are coming to Rome
23 Feb
This Lent thing, honestly. How can anyone think straight on an empty stomach? Someone get me some hay
27 Feb
Oooh! A nun run! We do like those. £10 on the one with the wimple to win
28 Feb
And we have lift-off. Bring it on… Now is a good time to start the bribes
Shopping list:
10kg of carrots for the Brazilians. Not really worried because God is apparently a Brazilian so as far as equality goes, no chance in hell, as it were
Worried about the Ghanaians and Nigerians though. Have 25kg of parsnips sent
Doughnuts to the Americans. Just in case
3 Mar
No, Miss Trollydolly, I am a cardinal and I will travel in Business Class with my two wives Lent or no Lent, thank you very much and I will commend you to Sheila, patron saint of stewardesses if you get me a parsnip pronto
6 Mar
Enough already! Let’s conclave. Great carrots in heaven, this thing does drag on
7 Mar
Yet another General Congregation. Snarf! I am in danger of heatbutting someone soon
Hobnob, hobnob…
Oooh, Mitzi! I can see her darting around all those sweeping skirts. Naughty girl! Quite a few cardinals about to go into conclave dressed in lagomorph lace it seems
11 Mar
Holy hay! Any more murmuratios and I shall break my cardinal’s vows and do a helicoptre and binkie right in the middle of St Peter’s out of sheer frustration!
A little less conversation, a little more action please
12 Mar
Sweet Sistine! About time. Mitzi, go cuddle that Bergoglio-guy. He worries me.
13 Mar
Not going well. Got three votes – mine, Tia and Mitzi’s (don’t ask). What a waste of bribes! Running out of parsnips in here. No hay at the Vatican either! Missing my carpet
13 Mar [later]
Good luck to Frankie. Nice guy for a pope. Clearly the world is not yet ready for a polygamous lagomorph pope with two lesbian wives.
Maybe next time
His Eminence, Lagomorph Cardinal Flopsy
This much I know: Flopsy
Carpets are a good thing. They lend the mansion that cosy feel, especially after bunstruction.
A waitress is for life, not just for Easter is what I say. Waitress training is a long and arduous process, but rewarding in the end. You can’t put a price on getting served your favourite brekkers on the dot each morning.
Everyone should have two wives, especially in winter, when they complement the carpet. Polyamory is a wonderful thing. Marvellous.
Carrots are overrated. I’m more of a leafy green bun myself. Although you can tempt me with a parsnip any day!
The genius of our dear departed Delores cannot be overestimated. She has done much to promote the healthy bottae and develop the size debate. She is a hard act to follow in the bottae stakes although Katrijn is currently doing a very good job at approximating Delores’ rear size.
I’ll be voting for a lagomorph Pope this time. It’s just that Tia has bunstructed my cardinal’s hat, which is a bit annoying. Not keen on Vatican City this time of year, if I’m honest. Lent, and all that. I was actually hoping we could do a Facebook poll this time.
Every man-bun needs his cave.
Don’t look now…
Pssst, Haas, don’t look now… Is that her? Is she coming? Don’t make eye contact. I’m not speaking to her. Look away!
Yes, so I have this knot in my mane, right between my ears, and it’s all her fault, see, she should have brushed it when I had some hay stuck in it and she neglected it, then my mane technician canceled on me as well, talk about unprofessional, right on the same day as my Talon Salon – my nails are a mess – something to do with snow, anyway, I have this knot and I am really not impressed with the standard of service of our serving wench right now.
Anyway. What IS she wearing?! Is that meant to be pink or something? Really. With her complexion? I’m glad Delores isn’t here to see how she’s letting herself go. And what is all that goo on her sleeves? Disgusting.
Lets not stare… She needs to concentrate on cleaning our loo.
Have you seen our waiter lately? Do you think he’s done a runner?
