From our entertainment correspondent

The mood was morose when I visited the set of the upcoming James Bond movie 007, Quota of Cecals. In a move worthy of the franchise, I had had to sign a NDA agreement barring me from divulging the location of the set, before being blindfolded and bundled into a waiting car and driven in circles for 20 minutes.

Marred by controversy

Ever the subject of endless speculation in the age of conspiracy theories, this Bond movie was subject of intense scrutiny from its inception. Purists denounced the choice of director, script writer and of course, speculated wildly on casting choices.

Vin Diesel pulled out early, as did Jason Momoa, having been bullied for being ‘too big and too bald’ for the role. Guy Ritchie and Quentin Tarantino felt too intimidated to take the project on, with Tarantino famously confessing in a tearful Oprah interview that “007 needs the female touch, and I have to speak my truth that I don’t possess that particular power. But I am working on myself.”

The bun who directed

Director of the new film, Drusilla Bunscese was nowhere to be found while her assistants became increasingly frantic to ascertain her whereabouts. In the end, they locate DB to her hideaway for some-eyes open meditation to connect to her higher creative self.

Panic over, DB grumpily agrees to answer some questions on condition of no touchee da bottae. Another NDA signed, we finally sit down.

What made you agree to direct Quota of Cecals?

Need money for treats. Next question.

What do you think of Daniel Craig refusing to play Bond again?

Nothing.

How did you cast the new Bond?

It was a Wednesday, so I was busy smashing the patriarchy. Hence choosing Livia Bun.

What about casting the Bond babe?

Livia has a clause in her contract that she won’t do intimate scenes with anyone other than her husbun. They’re very territory oriented, see. So the casting process was rather quick there.

What do you want to say to the person who leaked the stills from the set that led to the identity of the new Bond and Bond babe being revealed?

DB looks like she is about to thump me squarely in the face, but instead she stares at me with intense eyes, and says, slowly and deliberately:

Don’t expect to be on my Christmas card list, whoever you are. I know why you did it. You didn’t want 007 to be played by anyone other than Daniel. But to leak pictures of the love scene? That is playing with our actors’ mental health, and no amount of intimacy coordination is going to help. I hope you are proud of yourself because your mama certainly won’t be.

And with that, the interview is over, and the blindfold is back on for my 20 minutes of going round the Bath Road roundabout.

The release date for 007 Quota of Cecals is expected to be November 2025