The Bunnington Post newsroom has decided to launch its own investigation into the effect of a Brexit on life in the UK. The propaganda machines have been doing overtime in the Leave and Remain camps and we’re frankly more than a little annoyed that no-one so far has addressed the following questions:

Will a Brexit leave the road open to Vladimir Putin buying Buckingham Palace?

This would be annoying. We often get Buckingham Palace’s post delivered here as it is, seeing as the Royal Mail assumes everything simply addressed to ‘BP’ is of course fanmail.

We’ve had enough issues with his drunken, homesick heavies in the past, we don’t need them rocking up here to pick up Vlad’s junk mail in their noisy Tupolevs, Спасибо. They also have a habit of making themselves a tad too at home, and I am territorial about my mansion.

No Brexit: Will Boris Johnson emigrate to the Trump Tower for good?

’nuff said.

Brexit: Will the UK have a kale shortage?

This is where a lot of spin from the Leave and Remain campaigns are obscuring the facts.

Is kale native to the UK? Will we be allowed to grow it, should the shelves run empty as predicted? Will our favourite Cavolo Nero be banned for being an italian vegetable? What about kale Rossignol?

Will we be allowed carrots, which as we all know originate from Persia, which is even more exotic and therefore scary than mainland Europe?

We have decided to send our waitress on a training course to learn how to grow our own kale before the waiting lists are so long that she won’t be able to get on. If she would be allowed that is, being an immigrant and all that.

Brexit: will Katrijn and Bouffe be deported because of their Belgian and French ancestry?

Should Katrijn be deported to Belgium for being a Lionhead? Will France be safe enough post-Sarkozy for Bouffe?

We say: in the name of kale, vote Bernie.