David’s mane


Pleew dee dee dee…

pleew dee dee dee…

pleeew dee dee dee deeeeeeewwww…

Katrijn mah pe’al.

Pleew dee dee dee…


pleew dee dee dee…

When are yer goin’ ter change

pleeew dee dee dee deeeeeeewwww…

dat unbelieverbly irri’a’in’ ringtone, yeah?


pleew dee dee dee…



pleew dee dee dee…

Haas, dear

pleew dee dee deeeew…

Haas, would you get that please?

pleew dee dee dee…

I’m busy grooming my mane.


pleew dee d…

ORRITE? Haas. Who’se dat?

Dave. Katrijn! Geezer called Dave.

[Katrijn] David Who?

Yeah. Dave Who, an’ ‘ow come yer rin’in’ mah wife on ‘er emergency celebri’y suppor’ and counsellin’ fone?

Dr Wot?

Richard da Fird?


Katrijn mah pe’al, be”er come ter da fone yersel’, fella’s ‘avin’ a bi’ o’ a breakdown, somfink ter do wif a mane emergency.


Hello, David?

Oh, dear David… Shush now… Yes I know, terribly bitchy looks you were getting there


Yes… I’ve seen that picture. That pap ambushed you, didn’t he? I can tell. There there.

Olive oil? No, not unless you want sticky hair which picks up every dust bunny in the house. Not a good idea.

Well, perhaps you need to come to terms with frizz. But I know how hard it is.

Or wear it in a plaid, I thought it looked pretty good on that brekkers show the other week?


Just get your manservant to do it for you in the morning. Or train one of those Dalek-things you like!

I am joking of course.

Yes David, I know they kill off planets for a living… I am very sorry, it was a bad joke.

Please don’t get upset again. You were doing so well there.

Go to your inner temple of safety and peace like we practiced. Breathe…

That’s it.

Google some hair accessories perhaps? Every self-respecting mane-owner has some trusted bad mane day accessories stashed away.

A tiara maybe?

Of course, of course, you’re not a girl. A crown it is. With a matching necklace, ooh, melikes, David!


OK David, glad you feel better. I’ll tell Bouffe you said hello.

… I’ll tell him that too. I’ll tell him to sign his picture for your celebrities album and put it in the post to you tonight.

I’ll WhatsApp you when it’s done.

Anytime. Mwah mwah darling!

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