PE’AL!
Ah bun can” even ‘ave a quiet’ poo dese days wifaht a dellivvery yeah
Look a’ i’, if i’ ain” a ransom no’e fer da wai’er
Oooh, about time I should think. What do they say?
WHAT? Seriously? A waiter doing science, never mind hardcore?
Outrageous. He can’t even serve a carrot in the proper manner and on time, let alone play with lasers. Preposterous.
Ah finks it is probberly ah case of mistaken idenneterty. Dey can” posserbly be talkin’ abaht ahr waiter. Nah.
Fake ransom note.
What’s wrong with people? Hand him over, NOW. I am not amused. It’s MY waiter and I want him back.
Oh look, another page. What does it say?
Awww look Haas, it’s fanmail! How thoughtful of them. Very nice touch. Such sweet people. I’ll have to think, a lady bun is entitled to her secrets, yes? Wouldn’t want to undermine my celebrity brand by diluting the mystery. No, really, I think I should decline this one. But much appreciated, truly. Ooh, is that a carrot top?
The Bunnington Post 
Spill your beans here – you know you want to!