Mrs May feels dishevelled

Dr Katrijn’s office.

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Mrs May, you are late for your session.

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I see. Yes.

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First of all, Mrs May, is this a secure line? Because leaks lead to fake news as you well know. So before we proceed…

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Well if you are confident of that working, I have no problem talking to you from your shoe closet with a blanket over your head. Just don’t do your back in.

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Oh, you have a three seater sofa in your shoe closet. Could have known.

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Trump trauma, yes…

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Brexit. Mrs May…

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Mrs May, I must remind you that I am not impartial to the topic of Brexit. It is better not to discuss Brexit with me.

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It’s precisely because you pay me £2,500 an hour that we should leave Brexit out of your sessions. If you want political debate with a Remainer, talk to Tim Farron, not me.

I’m your bunstructive developmental psychiatrist if you recall, you commissioned me to help you work through your many personality issues.

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No, mental health is not the same as learning disability. Now you really must make an effort to remember this.

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Quite. Dishevelled. Yes.

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Well no, perhaps you shouldn’t have worn the orangey-red on Paxman last night because it matched Jeremy Corbyn’s tie too closely.

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Well do you think people will make communist associations because you wore the same outfit to meet with Vladimir Putin? 

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Yes, Philip gets it wrong sometimes, even with his nose for accessories. But don’t you think divorce is a bit drastic?

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Perhaps get this general election out of the way first. What do you think…? You might find yourself with a bit of time on your hands afterwards, that is, before you’re invited to publicly come out as the BBC’s real political editor since 2010.

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Yes I invoice by the minute. Bit like adult social care providers. Trick I learned from Virgin Care.  That’ll be £1,625 plus VAT then please.

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The clock is ticking… £2,240 and counting. You can always sell your home to pay me

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Well, renationalise the NHS and we’ll discuss my rate. Speak to you tomorrow. And keep your hair on in the meantime.

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