Mrs May feels dishevelled

Dr Katrijn’s office.

Mrs May, you are late for your session.

I see. Yes.

First of all, Mrs May, is this a secure line? Because leaks lead to fake news as you well know. So before we proceed…

Well if you are confident of that working, I have no problem talking to you from your shoe closet with a blanket over your head. Just don’t do your back in.

Oh, you have a three seater sofa in your shoe closet. Could have known.

Trump trauma, yes…

Brexit. Mrs May…

Mrs May, I must remind you that I am not impartial to the topic of Brexit. It is better not to discuss Brexit with me.

It’s precisely because you pay me £2,500 an hour that we should leave Brexit out of your sessions. If you want political debate with a Remainer, talk to Tim Farron, not me.

I’m your bunstructive developmental psychiatrist if you recall, you commissioned me to help you work through your many personality issues.

No, mental health is not the same as learning disability. Now you really must make an effort to remember this.

Quite. Dishevelled. Yes.

Well no, perhaps you shouldn’t have worn the orangey-red on Paxman last night because it matched Jeremy Corbyn’s tie too closely.

Well do you think people will make communist associations because you wore the same outfit to meet with Vladimir Putin? 

vladimir_putin_and_theresa_may_282016-09-0429_02

Yes, Philip gets it wrong sometimes, even with his nose for accessories. But don’t you think divorce is a bit drastic?

Perhaps get this general election out of the way first. What do you think…? You might find yourself with a bit of time on your hands afterwards, that is, before you’re invited to publicly come out as the BBC’s real political editor since 2010.

Yes I invoice by the minute. Bit like adult social care providers. Trick I learned from Virgin Care.  That’ll be £1,625 plus VAT then please.

The clock is ticking… £2,240 and counting. You can always sell your home to pay me

Well, renationalise the NHS and we’ll discuss my rate. Speak to you tomorrow. And keep your hair on in the meantime.

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