Miller Mayday!

Dear Editors,

Please send help. I have today undergone the ultimate humuliation: waking up with the Brazilian of Shame and the discovery that an essential part of me (times two) has been surgically removed while I was snoozing. How am I ever going to get a girlfriend when I can no longer impress her?

This is me in my intact splendour, a reminder of completer times:

I hereby send my membership application form for Haas and Bouffe’s Victim Support Group.

Name: Miller

Status: Shamed

Waiter/waitress: Sarah and Stuart

History: rescued August 2015; adopted August 2015; emaciated, neglected and filty

Current situation: sore, well-fed, adored, single and increasingly

presentable

That said, I have some cause to believe that I may have ended up somewhere nice. The waitstaff seems pretty well trained already, so I could be in luck this time around. Also, the facilities are most suited to the bunnington lifestyle: plenty of bunstruction opportunities, spacious, clean and secured against tumbleweeds and other native threats.

I have chosen my new favourite spot already:

What are your best tips for showering my new wait staff with my indignation and disapproval without jeopardising brekkers, lunch and dinner? I await your instructions with keen anticipation.

Yours,

Miller