Lagomorph Cardinal Flopsy reveals all that went on behind the closed doors of the papal conclave
Aaargh. Who moved my parsnip?
11 Feb [later]
I cannot find my cardinal’s hat? Where is my cardinal’s hat. Tia. TIA! What do you know about my cardinal’s hat missing?
Oh. So not good. No, Tia, cardinals do not wear ‘lacy’ hats! I’ll have one without holes please. Go sort it, quickly, I have a job interview
Just realised the thing about popes and wives. So not good
20 Feb [later]
Jeremy [Irons, of Borgia fame – Ed.] says not to worry about the wives thing. He had loads of fun at the Vatican. It’s all good
Calm down Mitzi, you are coming to Rome
This Lent thing, honestly. How can anyone think straight on an empty stomach? Someone get me some hay
Oooh! A nun run! We do like those. £10 on the one with the wimple to win
And we have lift-off. Bring it on… Now is a good time to start the bribes
10kg of carrots for the Brazilians. Not really worried because God is apparently a Brazilian so as far as equality goes, no chance in hell, as it were
Worried about the Ghanaians and Nigerians though. Have 25kg of parsnips sent
Doughnuts to the Americans. Just in case
No, Miss Trollydolly, I am a cardinal and I will travel in Business Class with my two wives Lent or no Lent, thank you very much and I will commend you to Sheila, patron saint of stewardesses if you get me a parsnip pronto
Enough already! Let’s conclave. Great carrots in heaven, this thing does drag on
Yet another General Congregation. Snarf! I am in danger of heatbutting someone soon
Oooh, Mitzi! I can see her darting around all those sweeping skirts. Naughty girl! Quite a few cardinals about to go into conclave dressed in lagomorph lace it seems
Holy hay! Any more murmuratios and I shall break my cardinal’s vows and do a helicoptre and binkie right in the middle of St Peter’s out of sheer frustration!
A little less conversation, a little more action please
Sweet Sistine! About time. Mitzi, go cuddle that Bergoglio-guy. He worries me.
Not going well. Got three votes – mine, Tia and Mitzi’s (don’t ask). What a waste of bribes! Running out of parsnips in here. No hay at the Vatican either! Missing my carpet
13 Mar [later]
Good luck to Frankie. Nice guy for a pope. Clearly the world is not yet ready for a polygamous lagomorph pope with two lesbian wives.
Maybe next time