A bum spa

In my quest to lead the field in bum pampering, your intrepid reporter, moi, will stop at nothing to test the latest advancements in bottae beauty treatments.

I have reported for an experimental bum cleansing treatment at my waitress’s personal spa to find out more about the so-called ‘shower’, so you don’t have to, my dear reader.

And trust me, you are going to want to give this one a miss. Not only is a waitress spa nothing to write home about – all gleaming white and sterile, not a clump of grass or lump of mud in sight – but the treatment itself was over in no time at all.

Involving a strangely shaped, bite resistant implement with many holes, a lukewarm stream of water is aimed at your privates and rather efficiently washes away anything which shouldn’t be there. Not very glamourous, and given that the best position for this treatment is leaning backwards on your bum with your front legs in the air, not particularly elegant either.

Although in my personal view the water was not unpleasant, and the treatment left me feeling clean and fresh afterwards, the uninspiring surroundings and clinical efficiency of the treatment did very little to make this feel like a pampering session.

I’ll be sticking with my bottae beautician’s bum-brushing sessions for now.

Can we get this 'treatment' over with?!
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