Now hiring waiter and/or waitress!

In today’s exclusive, Haas interviews his great-great-great uncle’s cousin twice removed Sven, who with his wife Maisie runs a training consultancy for helpless humans. Currently operating from Brooklands Bunny Boarding in leafy Surrey, Sven and Maisie are looking to grow their business in innovative ways.

Haas: So, Sven. How’s the Surrey branch of the family keeping?

Sven: Interesting times Haas, interesting times.

Did you know there are 2,963 of us now in the Surrey area, on top of an estimated 189,301 in southern England alone? That is a lot of scope for nepotism, so business is booming. Most of us are currently consulting on the third runway at Heathrow and doing roadworks around the country.

A happy bun is a bunstructing bun, as the family motto goes.

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Haas: Indeed it is and a truer family motto never was. Tell us about your new venture though: training and consulting waiters and waitresses. What’s that all about?

Sven: See, Maisie and I are currently operating from Brookland Bunny Boarding and we need to move on. The waitress there has completed her training with us so we’re looking to take on a new one, or preferably a waiter and a waitress. Exciting stuff, Haas, really is.

Haas: I’m envious. After 8 years my waitstaff are still in the middle of our training programme. Clearly you’ve nailed it with yours!

Sven: Yes, well, it is a premium programme which we have developed over the years. We only take the best candidates showing the best potential to be our waitstaff.

Haas: Hm, yes, perhaps Katrijn and I went wrong at the recruitment stage. That would expain  things…

What are you looking for in a candidate or candidates who are looking to become your waiter/waitress?

Sven: Maisie and I are pretty relaxed about qualifications, really. Our new staff need to be able to offer us suitable accommodation – we prefer to be houserabbits. We’re looking for a room of our own or a large area/cage that we can hop around in, stretch out without touching anything, and stand up on our hind legs without our ears touching the top.

We need to have plenty of time outside any cage though, a few hours a day minimum to stretch our legs. Fortunately we are most active in the evening hours which happily coincides with when waitstaff are around more.

Also, we are very sociable so we would want to be fussed over sufficiently every day, and of course our new staff’s culinary skills and knowledge needs to be top notch.

Haas: and by this you mean…?

Sven: well obviously we’ll want our brekkers and dinner on time. We also want to eat the stuff that we are used to such as plenty of grass and hay, a small amount of pellets – and I mean proper pellets, not the muesli type! – and a selection of veg that we expect to see presented in an attractive manner.

Haas: like this?

HaasKatrijnFood

Sven: that’s it. Proper presentation.

Haas: what do you pay?

Sven: well, Maisie and I pay in kind.

In return for our new staff offering us a glamorous pad, fuss and food we offer round-the-clock cuteness and feedback on the service. Maisie does the look how fluffy I am while I’m daintily eating my brekkers-cuteness while I do the more I’m a proper manbun but I’ll let you play with my ears if you’re good-cuteness.

I have the floppy ear that is the trademark of our family, Haas!

We also offer thorough training through our award-winning punishment and reward training system, and as a special reward we will take our new staff out on walks on nice days.

Haas: Walks??

Sven: Maisie and I have had bespoke harnesses made especially so that we could take our staff out on walks, and they really seemed to appreciate that. We will be training our new waiter/waitress to accompany us on walks too.

Haas: that is very innovative indeed. Say a bit more about your reward and punishment training system?

Sven: when staff have been good we will allow extended cuddle sessions during which we may do some tooth purring or even licking. We are very good at using our litterbox too, knowing that this also shows an appreciation to our staff.

Punishments consist of the cold shoulder treatment and running away when staff approach. We sometimes whack the floor at 3am, but strictly when necessary for training purposes. It is all about consistency, see.

Haas: impressive. I’ll try the 3am thump myself and see what happens.

So, how do potential recruits get in touch to be in with a chance to take you and Maisie home soon?

Sven: Candidates for the role should get in touch with our current waitress Spike Watson of Brookland Bunny Boarding near Weybridge, Surry, UK.

We have briefed her well on our requirements and she will sit on the selection panel with us. We’re looking at an immediate start, so to all those waiters and waitresses out there I say:

don’t delay, apply today!

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To get in touch about giving Sven and Maisie their forever home, please visit their Facebook page

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