Dr Delores Celebrity Counselling

Hello?

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Tom, dahling. I thought you might call.

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Yes, dreadful news… So sorry to hear it. How are you feeling my dear?

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Brad and Angelina’s wedding. I see.

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November, is it? No, that’s not too soon I would think.

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Hmm… Sounds like that is a problem for you… How big a problem?

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Kim Kardashian? No, I haven’t had the pleasure yet.

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Well… She’s not that big in the UK I would say. Probably because she’s not from Essex. Couldn’t say if your UK fans would be OK with it.

… [Blip blip]

Sorry dahling, mind if I pop you on hold for a mo? I’ve got Johnny on the other line, who knows what state he’s in – you’re a dear, mwah dahling!

[blip]

Johnny mon cher, how are you my dear?

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Oh dear, how insensitive of me, you’ll hear no more french from me, I promise. How are you my dahling? I have been wondering when you’d call!

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The Brangelina wedding.

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Yes, that must be a consideration… It’s not until November though.

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OK, sounds like you’re saying you prefer to put our work on your control freakery on hold for now while you and V work through the separation.

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I’m sure this won’t harm your career. I wouldn’t listen to those critics. Surely it’s OK to be single for a while.

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No, I’m not trying to change the subject. The wedding. Arm candy. What about Katie Holmes?

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Glad I could help. Mwah mwah dear! Call me soon. Love you too.

[Blip]

Tom? Tom. What’s that noise?

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Is an Operating Thetan expected to thrash his bedroom? … Hm?

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Of course I understand. You’re frustrated. [Blip blip] Why don’t you make yourself a nice cup of hot milk and have some cookies while I take this other call-I won’t be long, promise.

[blip]

Suri my pretty sweetpea, how is my little dahling?

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Yes, I heard, and I am so sorry for you! It must be so difficult right now.

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No, mummy and daddy are not angry with you because you didn’t want to wear your Chanel to daddy’s premiere.

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How do I know? Because mummy and daddy love you very much whatever you wear.

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Of course not. I’m sure daddy will let you keep your wardrobe. I’ll tell you what, I’ll ring mummy now and ask her to bring you to London and we can raid the Lanvin counter at Harrods together next week. How does that sound?

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Anytime my sweetling. Now, Auntie Lo has to go because she has another call waiting.

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Bye bye petal. Love you too. Mwah mwah!

[blip]

Tom? … Tom?

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You’ve gone off Kim Kardashian. Right.

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What about Vanessa Paradis?

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Good for you and you’re welcome. Promise me one thing. No Oprah interviews for a while.

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Yes… sure dear, of course. Phone me on Monday OK?

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Love you too. Mwah mwah.