Dear Editor: Jot

Dear Editor,

Is Haas available for executive coaching, and if so, what are his rates? I am a struggling dog who is underperforming in the cross-species dating department and I would like to learn how to catch up with a hare which has been frequenting my garden. It keeps me awake at night that I can’t.

My problem is this: I have a very nice garden, which I use mainly to play hide-and-seek and for barking at the man on the lawnmower. Occasionally I have a snooze in the grass as well, a particular interest of mine when the weather is right.

Lately a hare has been visiting one of my favoured spots and I have been very upset at being too slow and seeing it disappear in the distance every time I try to go over to introduce myself. I am fascinated by the hare’s ability to gaze at the moon at full moon and I am desperate to share the next opportunity with it, so that we may perform a moon duet – the hare staring and me howling.

The problem is that the hare is obviously a very shy creature which likes to keep to itself. I’ve often watched it through the kitchen windows:

As you can see from the above, it makes off as soon as I start making a move.

Strategies I have used include flagging nearby plants with a scented invitation (if it works with the neighbourhood bitches, why would it be offensive to the hare?), going outside at full moon to howl, hoping the hare would feel invited to join me, and running out as fast as my old legs allow while putting on my friendliest face.

The result of the latter approach:

Dear Haas, please help. I just want a date, and see how things go… Take it slowly, and perhaps by winter we’re ready to move in together so we can warm each other in front of the fire while sharing a bowl of milk and leftovers… Share my teddy with my adored hare… Bring home special treats from my walks like sticks and bury egg boxes in the flowerbeds together… and perform a duet every full moon.

Am I expecting too much? Could it be bad breath or maybe because I am the hirsute type? This is really affecting my confidence, so any advice will be gratefully received.

Yours faithfully,

Jot