Back into the office

Hoomins, hoomins, hoomins. We are not impressed with you right now.

You elect orange monsters and indulge in his bring a fascist tech bro to work day nonsense. You allow a Labour government minister to call protecting endangered species ‘bat shit crazy’ because an overpriced rail line is going to be a bit more out of pocket now. As if another £100 million on a project that is already over budget by a rough £60 billion – that’s more than Elon Musk’s entire annual bonus, we’ll have you know – makes any kind of difference.

Meanwhile entire wars and natural disasters are being forgotten about and wilfully ignored: Yemen’s civil war has of course been raging for more than a decade now so you’re scrolling past all that – boring – while the Sudanese one is a little more fresh but still so very 2023, so you have decided you’re so over that too.

You’re only interested in floods if they happen in your favourite holiday destinations, say, Valencia or the Somerset Levels but the ones in the Philippines or Pakistan are just a bit too meh to get truly upset about.

We’re heading back into the office

Clearly us adopting a hands-off approach to leadership and working from home in recent years is not something hoominkind can handle. We see no other option than to head back into the office and dust off our superhero capes.

We are not happy about it and you will all know about it. No more flexible working for anyone. Everybunny back into the office at least 7 days a week from here on.

It is painfully clear to us that you hooms cannot manage yourselves, let alone comport yourselves professionally without our guidance. There’s a toddler in the Oval Office for goodness sakes!

You will all come to know our displeasure in time, but for now we will be too busy saving this planet from burning down to truly make our wrath felt.

It would be a mistake to think you are safe from our disapproval, though. Be afraid, be very afraid…