Yesterday it was time for an emergency appointment with my Bottae Beautician for some long overdue shapely arse pampering. I’d really let myself go in the last week or two, what with our guest editors to look after, and then that traumatic refurbishment at the weekend. My poor bum section really suffered the consequences of my busy schedule!
So off I went and bumped Beyoncé and Kylie off the waiting list to subject myself to the care and attention of my tush technician.
Now, let me tell you about the latest advancements in the bum fluff battle. To restore my famed physique to its former glory my preening professional deployed a state-of-the-art tunnel designed for my comfort and enjoyment, while my rear region was being treated.
This induced a state of bliss, further enhanced by expert nose and ear rubs administered by an able assistant while treatment was in progress.
I left looking resplendent as ever, feeling distinctly relieved to be rid off that chavvy fluff and very, very relaxed to boot.
What’s not to like?